Random Note for Noah 1

Dear Noah,

While you were enjoying a relaxing bath last night, you got scared and freaked out when I turned on the tub faucet. It was the  first time I've seen you get scared over something.  It was also the cutest thing ever : )....until the next cute thing happens.

Love,
Mom

Here comes the baby....posts

I've been meaning to start blogging again about having a baby so that I could look back later on and remember what happened, how I felt, and the baby's small milestones.  But now three months later I'm just getting started!  Oh where to begin...

I guess we'll start the moment I met Mr. Noah Han Shin...the little alien that grew inside my belly for 9 months...the little version of my Joe...the tiny love of my life.  From that moment on, as cliche as this sounds, nothing was ever the same.  How did I know this?  First, I cried...and when does that ever happen?  Second, I realized that I was actually gave birth to a baby....and how long had I been saying that I would never give birth? Third, our family went from two to three.  It's been just Joe and I for eight years.  We've grown accustomed to our ways...dining out, sleeping in, frying up bacon at one in the morning. Goodbye old life.  Hello parenthood!

Despite the overwhelming joy I felt the instant I laid eyes on him, the next 7 weeks was an uphill battle from breastfeeding issues, the baby blues, and sleep deprivation.  And despite all the advice, baby books, and classes, there was nothing that could have prepared me for being a mom.

The biggest challenge from that first month was breastfeeding.  Having read what an ideal breastfeeding scenarios were online, I figured that it was such a natural thing that it would just happen.  But nothing happened as planned and I soon realized how unprepared I was to breastfeed.  I ended up having a c-section (homie's head was too big =), which delayed my milk from "coming in".  Even though Noah latched on fairly easily, he wasn't getting any milk and lost 10% of his weight while we were still at the hospital.  He was given formula at the hospital while I desperately tried to keep him latched.  At one point, he sucked so hard from hunger that flesh from inside my left nipped came out (sorry if that was tmi!).  Luckily, I was still on pain meds from my c-section so I didn't feel anything but I imagine it would have been really painful. 

A week passed and he was still formula fed.  At this point, he refused to latch even after my milk finally did come in.  Every time he was fed with a bottle, I felt like a failure from not being able to breastfeed my own child.  Although friends reassured me that there's absolutely nothing wrong with formula fed babies, I still felt down about it and cried often.  After a very hard day of trying to breastfeed and finally throwing in the towel with a bottle of formula, I found myself breaking down and crying uncontrollably.  How could being a mother be so damn depressing?  But a magical thing happened.  I looked down at Noah and saw a huge smile...the first smile I saw from him.  It was as if he was telling me that everything is going to be A-ok.

Thankfully, I had a strong support system from my husband, friends, and especially my mom who cheered me on and encouraged me to not give up. My mom would squirt milk with a syringe into Noah's mouth as I tried to get him to latch on again to trick him into thinking that he was getting alot of milk from me.  After a few days of this, Noah finally started latching without being tricked and we were able to reduce his formula intake to just 2 ounces per day.  Hooray!

But my celebration was short lived.  Once he re-learned how to nurse and once I stopped needing pain medication, all the pains and soreness from breastfeeding kicked in.  Noah's dependency to my nipple to soothe him from everything also started.  He couldn't sleep without nursing and used my nipple as a pacifier...and I found myself wishing that I just kept formula feeding.  I also asked myself why I wanted to breastfeed so badly.  It hurt so much and I hadn't yet felt that connection that I had read about from breastfeeding moms.  The baby blues intensified especially during growth spurts when Noah wanted to eat every hour.  I often questioned my abilities about being a good mom and at times even found myself resenting my own baby.  How horrible is that?  

After lots of "googling", posting on online forums, countless pep talks with family and friends, and meeting with a lactation consultant, Noah and I finally got into a nice of groove of things.  My nipples started to toughen up and I no longer dreaded the next feeding time.  By week 6, I felt that magical connection that others had described about nursing your baby.  I couldn't get enough of cuddling and playing with my little bub and felt so much joy from knowing that I caused that milk wasted look of satisfaction from his face. 

Moral of this post - It truly does take a village to raise a child.  I couldn't have gotten through this breastfeeding hurdle without our village of love from friends and family...and because I had such a great support system, I promised myself that I would try to do the same to anyone that needed help with it later on.  So feel free to ask if you have any questions!  I'm no expert but I do know that it helps to talk about these things with someone that can relate.   

Next up....Noah's milestones!  Or maybe a labor story? Who knows =)